I’m Tired of Carrying the Weight of What Happened
Healing after betrayal and divorce is hard. While it heavily involves other people, it’s so isolating, because no matter what they do, you have to carry the impact of their actions without any help from them. After two years of carrying so much on my own, I’m tired.
Even though I have every reason to feel what I do given what’s happened to me, I’m tired of carrying the anger, shame, self-pity, and regret. The problem is that I don’t really have a clue how I can ever put it down.
However, a couple of weeks ago, the sermon at church was on John chapter 5 and the text cried out to me.
Jesus Asks a Man at the Pool of Bethesda: “Do You Want to Be Healed?”
In John 5:2–8, Jesus is in Jerusalem at the pool of Bethesda. This pool, at this time, was believed to have healing powers, and people came from all over to be healed by its waters. The belief was that an angel of God would come and swirl the waters of this pool and the first person to enter these swirling waters would be cured of any ailment they had.
In this story, Jesus approaches the pool and sees a man. There’s nothing terribly special about this man except that he can’t walk, and hasn’t been able to for 38 years. He’s lying on the ground near the pool. Close, but still too far away to get to the waters that he believes will heal him.
Jesus is aware of how long he has been in this condition, and he asks the man a simple question. And I’m including three different translations because to me they all help to round out the full meaning of what Jesus is asking. This isn’t just a story about how amazing and fast Jesus is at healing ailments!
Note the Different Translations of His Words
21st Century King James Version:
When Jesus saw him lying there, and knew that he had been in that state a long time, He said unto him, “Wilt thou be made whole?”
Amplified Bible, Classic Edition:
When Jesus noticed him lying there [helpless], knowing that he had already been a long time in that condition, He said to him, Do you want to become well? [Are you really in earnest about getting well?]
New Life Version:
Jesus saw him lying there and knew the man had been sick a long time. Jesus said to him, “Would you like to be healed?
Will you be made whole? Do you want to be made well? Are you really in earnest about getting well? Would you like to be healed?
The Man Explained Why He Hadn’t Been Healed
What a question! And it feels like the answer is obvious, right? Like, Jesus, my friend, my healer, my king: obviously he wants to be made well! Obviously he wants to be healed! Obviously he wants to be made whole! He’s been lying down in the dirt next to this woo woo water pool for like three decades waiting to be healed! His name is practically Earnest!
To him, it probably went without saying that yes he wanted to be healed, so instead he explains to Jesus why he has not been healed.
In Every Translation He Says The Same Thing
21st Century King James Version:
The infirm man answered Him, “Sir, I have no man, when the water is troubled, to put me into the pool; but while I am coming, another steppeth down before me.”
Amplified Bible, Classic Edition:
The invalid answered, Sir, I have nobody when the water is moving to put me into the pool; but while I am trying to come [into it] myself, somebody else steps down ahead of me.
New Life Version:
The sick man said, “Sir, I have no one to put me in the pool when the water is moving. While I am coming, another one gets in first.”
His Path to “Healing” Depends on Other People
Think about it: this man is paralyzed, and he has no friends or family to help him. He can’t reach the pool on his own, much less when other people are crowding to get in first too. He would need someone to carry him into that pool. I imagine he needs Jesus to understand that, so his explanation seems to say to Jesus:
“I’m not healed because I have no one to help me into the waters and everyone seems to get priority over me. I don’t have the friends or the family, or the resources, or the ability to do it myself. No one helps me get to the healing water, Jesus. “
And I want to give this man a little benefit of the doubt here. He didn’t have the Bible and 2000 years of history showing him the healing power of Jesus. I don’t even know that he actually realized who was talking to him!
But I do.
I do have the Bible and 2000 years of history to show me the power of Jesus. I do know who’s talking to me.
I’ve Been Leaning On The Same Explanation
On August 30, 2026, Jesus asked me if I want to be made well. He asked me if I want to be made whole. If I want to be healed. If I’m really earnest about being healed.
And He has been asking me that question on and off for a while now, and like this man, I’ve kind of offered up explanations for why I haven’t been healed instead of resolutely saying yes:
Well, I would be healed, but I’m still sad because what they did to me wasn’t fair.
I might be healing better after their betrayal, but I’m so angry because they’re still so cruel to me.
I could be healed if they would just take accountability.
If I wasn’t so alone in all of this, I might be doing better. Maybe if other people knew my side of what happened.
Maybe if they would act right, I could heal!
Healing After Betrayal Can’t Depend On The People Who Betrayed You
Like the man at the pool, I have plenty of ways to explain why my healing has been slow. I’ve been placing my hope for wholeness in things that can’t make me whole, much like the mythical waters of Bethesda. I’ve been holding out for human justice, awaiting accountability and kindness from the broken people who broke me, and wishing for a community of people to defend me in the face of slander and misunderstanding. But these things are as out of my reach as the water was to that man. There’s no way that I can get myself to those things on my own strength. And I can’t compel others to bring me to them either. And so, I stay stagnant.
“I can’t heal if they don’t say sorry. Jesus, I can’t be whole unless they tell the truth about what happened. I can’t be healed until they stop what they’re doing to me. Jesus, I can’t be earnest about healing after this betrayal until they are too!”
When I read the man’s response, I hear the defeat in his words, and I hear his self-pity. In fact, I see myself in it. I too have felt like I’ve been left lying alone in the dirt unable to heal myself without the help of people and things outside of my control.
Jesus Is Asking Me the Same Question
I relate to this man who had lived in defeat for 38 years, and I realized that I’m becoming this man, and not slowly. The road to bitterness is short. And in that moment that I felt the Holy Spirit speak to me:
Natalie, do you want to be healed? Are you earnest to be healed? Are you ready to be made whole?
Yes.
Then get up and walk.
You know the action you need to take. It’s time. You don’t need whatever you’re being promised by that pool of water: apologies, accountability, respect, kindness, community, justice… those things might not come. But Jesus is right here. And He’s offering to heal you without that worldly water.
Get up and walk.
In John 5, Jesus doesn’t say much, but he gives the man a directive in that Scripture, and if I could summarize His directive to me, it would be this:
If you want to be healed, forget about the water. Get up and walk.
Healing Doesn’t Require Perfect Circumstances
He gives me the same direction today, and I have to act on it. I can’t wait for these perfect circumstances to facilitate my healing after the betrayal. Where will I be in 38 years? If they never apologize, will I still be in the dirt? If they never take accountability, will I still be watching my life pass me by as I wait? And if they never treat me with the love and kindness and respect I deserve, will I still be here waiting for them to change before I can be whole and healed? If I never see what justice looks like in my mind here on earth, will I still be here reaching out, but never reaching the mythical healing waters?
Healing Is a Choice and Healing Requires Action
I’m confronted by the image of me in 38 years, still in the dirt and yearning for healing that I can’t reach. I don’t want that. It’s easy to feel sorry for myself. What happened to me and what continues to happen is crappy. It really sucks. No one should have to go through it. But Jesus freely offers me healing and I have to act on it.
In this story the physical healing is instant. This man wanted to walk and he meets Jesus and he walks away, but that was just the first part. In verse 14 it says:
Later Jesus found him at the temple and said to him, “See, you are well again. Stop sinning or something worse may happen to you.”
No more self-pity. No more reaching for magic water.
Healing is a choice and healing requires action.
Walking Away From the Pool
I know through that sermon that Jesus is calling me to heal, but more importantly He’s inviting me to want the healing and wholeness. He wants me to want the healing more than I want to hang onto the hurt. He’s calling me to actively pursue the healing and accept it. It doesn’t erase what happened to me, or mean that I don’t have boundaries. It doesn’t make it right, but it does get me out of the dirt.
And ever since that day I have been walking. Baby steps usually, but all very conscious. It’s a daily choice to lay down offense. Healing and forgiveness right now are a one-sided endeavor. Without real apologies, real accountability, and changed behavior, a reconciled relationship is not possible… But release is.
Over the next few weeks I’m going to share how I’m working on that, and more importantly how God is working in my life to help me get the healing I desperately want.
He’s helping me walk away from the pool.
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